


Janus Eats Edibles to Chill Out

by Pandora_Homeros



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Human, Angst with a Happy Ending, Autistic Deceit | Janus Sanders, Cheating, Deceit | Janus Sanders is a Mess, Deceit | Janus Sanders-centric, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Multi, Trans Male Character, Underage Drinking, Underage Smoking, Unsympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Weed, brotherly anxceit - Freeform, but he doesn't know it, edibles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-21
Updated: 2020-08-13
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:13:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25417501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pandora_Homeros/pseuds/Pandora_Homeros
Summary: Janus has to deal with a lot of bullshit his senior year. From a manipulative boyfriend to strange feelings about his brother's friends that leads him to do a few questionable things. There is so much pinning and angst, but with a happy ending.This was originally going to be a one shot, but eh, fuck it. Might as well have something somewhat happy to write while working on my other story.
Relationships: Brotherly Anxceit - Relationship, Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders/Deceit | Janus Sanders, Deceit | Janus Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Loceitality, demus - Relationship
Comments: 11
Kudos: 34





	1. Janus Tries His Edibles

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this while high, so if there are mistakes, lemme know.
> 
> I based Janus' reaction to weed on my own. I've never smoked before so idk how the others would act.

Virgil had a single plan for the parent-free weekend ahead of him. Get his older brother high. There was a simple reason behind that; Janus had a giant stick up his ass that week. Mostly because of some drama with his boyfriend and school, but he had decided to take his frustrations out on the rest of the family including Virgil. 

“What makes you think your brother will have a desire to even try it?” Logan asked, pushing his glasses up, “Last I checked, he’s adamantly against illegal drug activities,” He leaned back on the sofa, resting his hand on the armrest. Meanwhile, Virgil rolled his eyes, perching himself atop the couch, leaning against the wall.

“He’s got a point, kiddo-” Patton tried to speak from his spot on the floor next to Roman who was bending over the coffee table, rolling a joint. 

“Yeah, he’s the only person more anal than, Logan,” Roman pointed his thumb at said man before returning to his work.

“He’s got a medical card, ya know?” Virgil said and basked in the gasps before him. “I convinced him a few weeks ago, but he’s been too scared to try it. Figured now would be as good a time as any,” He shrugged, but their conversation was cut short as the man of the hour strolled on in. 

An absolute wreck. Well, as much of a wreck as he could be. His eyes were bright red, but it appeared to be from crying-darn-as his brother kept sniffling and his breath hitching occasionally as he gasped for air. 

“Fuck, who do I need to kill?” Virgil hopped down from the couch, but Janus shook his head tapping his fingers quickly on the side of his leg. “Hey, it’s ok, come sit down,” He made no effort to touch or guide his brother over to the couch, knowing it would set him off, instead he waited for him to move on his own. Which he did, dropping his backpack on the side of the couch.

“You wanna talk about it, bud?” Patton asked, glancing up. Janus shrugged and narrowed his eyes at the weed on the table, which got a dismissive shrug from Roman. 

“My brother being a dick?” Roman said without looking up.

“Yes,” He sighed and continued tapping his fingers. Virgil plopped back down on the sofa. “Don’t wanna talk about it,” Fuck, that threw a major wrench his plan, Janus would never agree to smoke something now. Screw Remus for this and hurting his brother. He’d have to somehow salvage the situation. “Virge, can I get high with you guys?”

“What?” Just about all of them asked, except for Janus, of course, who sniffled and kept his gaze on the floor.

“I bought a…You don’t have to share anything, I have my own, but I don’t want the first time to be alone,” Janus hugged himself with one arm and ceased his annoying tapping. It made no noise, what with his gloves, but the movement was fast enough to make anyone anxious. Still, though, he had learned a while ago to let his brother do his little ticks, since telling or forcing him to stop only ended with him losing his shit. Quite literally, it would start with pacing, him hugging himself and muttering nonsense that would slowly increase in volume until he was screaming at the top of his lungs. He’d be crying at that point, pulling his hair or trying to hurt himself. Janus claimed the pain would help him calm down, but he knew it wasn’t healthy. 

That’s how he had talked him into having a medical card, claiming that CBD at least would stop his anxiety attacks. Janus was willing to try anything at that point. Now, Virgil was worried his brother was at the brink of another freakout.

“Yeah, yeah, why don’t you get yours?” Virgil asked and saw Janus’ shoulders relax before he went to his room and came back holding a colorful canister. 

“You are not intending smoke?” Logan caught it first, he had edibles, which wasn't that much of a surprise to Virgil. His brother had mentioned previously he detested smoking, said it screwed with his breathing. Nah, his brother was just a baby. 

“Yikes, not the best idea,” Patton cringed and rested his head on the cushion behind him as Janus sat back down with a single, raised brow. “It’s way more potent and lasts way longer, plus they taste horrible,” He waved his hand and sticking his tongue out. “Yuck.”

“I’ll take only one then, it has a low THC count.”

“Take? Boy, just eat one and be prepared for a serious case of the munchies,” Roman scoffed, rolling his eyes. Virgil couldn’t help the chuckle that left him. His brother was definitely anal, but if treating weed like medicine helped him actually do something rebellious for once, then more power to it. 

About 30 minutes later, they were on the back porch, all smoking except for Janus. 

“And I swear, he wouldn’t shut up about Jeffery Dahmer this week,” Roman coughed, which triggered a bit of a laugh in him. “I don’t know how you date him, he’s a grade-A idiot,” He nodded to Janus which caused a flurry of laughs from Virgil and Janus.

“Who else would you be referring to? No one else dates Remus,” Logan raised his eyebrows before remembering the joint in his hand he had been ignoring. Virgil continued to giggle and elbowed Janus.

“How are you holding up?” 

Janus opened his mouth to speak, his jaw shaking lightly. Now that he was kind of paying attention, Virgil noticed a lot of him was trembling. 

“My legs, can’t feel,” Janus shook harder and Virgil quickly swung into protective brother mode, despite being the younger one.

“Hey, you’re ok, it’s doing what it’s supposed to, relaxing you,” He placed his hand on his shoulder to help ground him. “This is normal, let it do its thing or you're in for a bad trip,” His words only received a whimper in response and full-body tremor as Janus tried to flex his hands. Luckily, Patton came to save the day.

“Don’t worry, kiddo, look down, you’ve still got your feet and legs,” Patton grinned when Janus glanced down and sighed in relief when he saw that he was intact. “Gosh, you’re adorable!” Patton cheered and Virgil groaned, removing his hand from Janus.

“Gross, please don’t ever say that again,” Virgil gagged dramatically. “That’s my brother,” He fought back another gag but ceased his acting when Janus spoke.

“Really? I’m not disgusting?” 

“Of course, you’re not disgusting,” Logan said first, appearing completely baffled along with Patton whereas Roman simply winced.

“Remus say that?”

“No, the woman he insisted we have a threesome with did though!” Janus laughed and stared down at his hands, wiggling his fingers slowly. There was silence amongst them, mostly caused by the sudden bomb just dropped on them and Janus' completely opposite reaction. Where he should have certainly been crying, he was laughing. “This stuff is great, I don’t feel anything."

“Jan,” Patton whispered, “What…” He spared a glance at Logan for the briefest of moments, before turning his attention back to the deranged senior, who somehow found whatever happened absolutely hilarious. “What happened? Virgil said you were keyed up, but…” He trailed off, allowing the other guy time to calm down. 

“I’ll end him,” Logan clenched his fists and jaw which sent Janus into another fit of giggles.

“That’s strangely passionate of you,” Virgil coughed after he took another puff. “I told you not to let him convince you to do a threesome,” He shrugged, remembering a conversation from a month ago where Janus asked his opinion on open relationships.

“He just wouldn’t stop asking, I figured if I let him do it once…” Janus sighed, a faint smile on his face, which didn't quite reach his eyes. “Forget I mentioned it.”

“Let’s go in and watch movies and eat snacks!” Patton grinned, trying to bring back a happier atmosphere, but leaned over and whispered to Janus. “You can talk about it whenever you’re ready, kiddo,” Janus nodded and tried to stand up, only to sway and fall right onto Patton’s lap with an oof. They both looked at each other before Janus turned red and stood up unsteadily, mumbling apologies. 

Everyone laughed again, including Patton and the 5 of them made their way back inside after finishing their joints. Hey, we don’t waste weed in this household. 

Patton and Roman both brought a box of off-brand cookies from the dollar store, soda, and chips into the living room. Virgil grabbed a bundle of blankets and tossed one to each person while Logan put on a funny movie. 

That’s how they spent the night, each in their own respective blanket burrito, eating snacks and laughing at stupid jokes.


	2. Sudden Exhaustion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A peek into Janus' psyche and wtf happened to freak him out in the first place. It's basically the last chapter, but from Janus' perspective and a peek into the morning which will be continued next chapter.

Swell, what a swell day that had been. Absolutely stellar! One for the history books indeed. 

“Babe, I’m sorry, please come inside, I’ll make it up to ya,” Remus begged from the passenger seat, his hand hovering over his boyfriend’s back, unsure of whether or not he could touch him. Janus sighed and turned to face him, resting his head on the steering wheel. “Please?” Damn it, why couldn’t he say anything? He wanted to be furious, kick him out of the car, and never speak to Remus again, but nothing came to mind. 

Everything felt too much right now. His body was on fire, leather jacket suddenly too rough on his skin, and tears prickled at the corner of his eyes again. 

“Fuck, drive safe, man,” Remus sighed and stepped out of the car, leaving Janus to break down alone. It was his own fault, he couldn’t talk about his emotions, he couldn’t show how he was truly feeling until it became overwhelming. As if the emotions he was trying so desperately to suppress were leaking through his skin, leaving a sensitive burning in their wake. 

He couldn’t drive like that, it wasn’t safe. He’d get a mile onto the road and completely lose it, after all, that had happened before. Nearly ended with him in a ditch on the side of the road. So, he pulled forward, away from the front of Remus’ house, and parked a little farther along in the neighborhood where he promptly allowed himself to scream and cry. 

Sadly though, that wouldn’t be enough to calm him down. 

Janus bashed his hands on the steering wheel, kicked the floor and bit his lip to keep from screaming bloody murder. All in an attempt to quell the swell of emotions inside him. 

“Why did I let him do that?” Janus sobbed and pulled his hair, wishing he had his razor on him. The initial pain would have been enough to calm him down. “Why! Why! Why!” He continued to scream, punctuating each why with a blow to the steering wheel. The only reason he stopped was to cradle his now bruised hand. He had broken his right hand a few years ago but never had it examined. His parents claimed if he wanted to be an idiot and punch walls, then he needed to deal with the consequences like the man he claimed to be.

Fuck, like the man he claimed to be. Janus became painfully aware of the binder tight across his chest. A vice, suffocating him and reminding him of everything he failed to be. He wanted to go home. He needed to get home.

Janus sniffled and cleaned up his face, focusing on his breathing to calm him enough to drive. He was grateful that his home was a 10-minute drive away instead of farther. 

The last thing he had anticipated was actually asking his brother and friends that he wanted to get high with them. Still, he did, and he had.   
Now, he sat on the back porch, talking about random shit while waiting for his high to hit. He didn’t know exactly what to expect, the giggles maybe or to hallucinate, no idea. At first, his mouth tingled, specifically his lips, then his feet felt 10 times heavier and as soon as that happened, he sunk right into the chair. It was jarring, to say the least, but not entirely unpleasant. In fact, it was amazing once Virgil and Patton calmed him down enough to enjoy it. 

There wasn’t a constant stream of thoughts filtering through his mind, no anxiety, no pain. 

It was a tad strange when he tried to walk, but he didn’t have to go far, only to the living room when they went back inside. The best way he could describe it would be attempting to move on a fast-moving train while simultaneously being submerged underwater. Meaning balance wasn’t exactly his forte at the moment, but it surprised him anyway when he fell onto Patton’s lap. The rest of them laughed it off, though, so it shouldn’t have been a big deal. Yeah, no big deal. 

Somewhere in the middle of the second movie, his eyelids started closing against his wishes. Janus tried his best to keep them open, but everything was too relaxing. Normally, he had horrible insomnia that would keep him up until 4 in the morning if he slept at all and for that reason, he checked the time. There was no way it wasn’t early at least. 

Nope, it was 10 pm sharp.

“Huh,” Janus muttered in disbelief, but in spite of saying it quietly, Patton still heard.

“What’s up, kiddo?” Patton asked while munching on a cheap cookie that left crumbles on his blanket. The sight alone made Janus chuckle. Patton was the true adorable one, not him. 

“Just shocked, I’m never ready to sleep by 10,” As if on cue he yawned and stretched within his blanket burrito. Consequently, this made Patton yawn also who had finished up his cookie by that point.

“You can go to sleep if you want, we’re all gonna crash out here,” He smiled, “Couch is big enough for all of us,” He cuddled further into his blanket, focusing back on the TV. 

“That sounds nice, thanks,” And then he promptly passed the fuck out, his body taking advantage of the weed while still in his system. 

Janus didn’t dream that night, which was rare in and of itself. Nightmares would plague him whenever he closed his eyes. Memories from years ago, or twisted versions where he’s back in 7th grade, haunted by his own brain. Trapped in his own body, unable to silence the voices. 

Now, an arm around his waist held him in place instead. Fuck, fuck, fuck! His face heated and body froze rigid while the arm rested loosely on him. It would have been effortless to move it, but that wouldn’t have changed the fact his back was pressed against someone and his front by the back of the couch.   
He could sit up, yup, he could just sit up, move the arm, and scoot down the couch to freedom. Of course, that was his plan, until the arm tightened around him. Oh, come on! This is what he got for sleeping on the couch with people who weren’t his friends. 

“Patton, you’re smothering him,” Logan said from somewhere else on the couch. “Get up,” Patton, apparently, grumbled and rolled over, right onto the floor with a thud. “I meant…It’s too early for this,” He grumbled and when Janus finally sat up, he saw Logan walk into the kitchen to make a cup of coffee. 

“You ok, Pat?” Janus asked after he found his voice. It was a lot easier to talk when he wasn’t stressed out. 

“Mhm,” Patton rolled onto his back and giggled, his fluffy hair sticking up at odd angles and a light pink dusting his cheeks. “How are you doing, slept pretty hard last night,” He sat up and rested his head on the couch while he looked up at Janus with those sparkling blue eyes that had no right being that bright that early in the morning. 

“Fine, I guess?” It wasn’t so much a bald-faced lie, but one of omission. Physically, he felt kind of groggy and his body was heavier than usual, but mentally he was dead inside. The effects of the weed waring off, meaning he had to deal with his emotions instead of repressing them. It left him empty and exhausted mentally, but it had still been worth it. A few hours of peace from the onslaught of thoughts was definitely worth it.

“Falsehood, you are not fine,” Logan poured a cup of coffee, and Janus kept his eyes away from Patton. He noticed Virgil and Roman weren’t in the living room with them but didn’t have a chance to ask where they were before he lost his voice again. A lump formed in his throat and tears burned at the corner of his eyes. The pain only causing him to tear up more. 

“Talk to us, please,” Patton pleaded while he gave his best attempt at puppy dog eyes. Which Janus had to admit was kind of working.

“There’s no judgment here,” Logan handed Janus a mug of hot tea as he walked back over, his own coffee in his other hand. “We promise,” He sat at the other end of the couch, seeming completely patient with however long it took the senior to speak. 

“Alright, I’ll tell you what happened, but it stays between us, alright?” Janus said as he took a sip of the tea. It was scalding hot but sweet enough to hide the bitterness of it. He had never been able to stomach coffee and when he drank tea, he preferred it black with lots of sugar. It was a bit heartwarming that Logan knew that though, even if he wasn’t really his friend. 

“Understood,” Logan and Patton both nodded. 

“Remus wanted to do a threesome after he found out I was bi.”


	3. Don't Touch Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So Remus is an ass, but not an abusive ass. Like he would never hold Janus being trans over him and cares, he's just a selfish idiot.
> 
> Was I high while writing this chapter? High on pain killers maybe, had my wisdom teeth removed.

“You’re bi?” Remus grinned and squeezed Janus’ hand lightly as they walked towards his green explorer in the parking lot. The topic of exes came up in their conversation and, naturally, Janus mentioned the two girlfriends he had before him. 

“Uh, yeah, I thought I told you that already?” Janus was sure he disclosed it when they first started dating, well probably even earlier considering they were friends for some time before their relationship.

“Oh, must not have been paying attention then,” He shrugged and laughed, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand. “I’ve been with some girls, but it’s been a while,” He said as Janus unlocked the car and they got in. “Maybe we could do a threesome with your friend, what’s her name, Patricia?” What? How the hell could he say that so nonchalantly? 

“Excuse me?” Janus started the car and turned his head to face him. “First off, she doesn’t know I’m, well, trans.” He faced the window, jaw-dropping slightly, still taken aback by his blunt question. “Second no, you’re my boyfriend and third I don’t need a friendship ruined.” He pulled out of his parking spot and huffed, what was it with the men in his life? 

“Oh, come on, seriously?” He rolled his eyes and put on one of Janus’ CDs which was a miracle, considering the car was old enough to have a cassette tape player. Otherwise, it would have been between the shitty radio or a silent 15-minute drive. Neither of which were appealing to Janus, only meant more time alone with his thoughts. “Just, think about it, it’d be fun,” He pouted with that sad look he always wore when he didn’t get what he wanted. 

“It’s not fun to sleep or fall for straight women who don’t consider me an actual guy.” He rolled his eyes and drove, singly along with the song. Roll Over Beethoven, oh he was really playing him now. Remus knew this was his favorite CD, it had been one he personally created and picked out all the songs. A CD Remus didn’t particularly care for and only put on when he wanted something. Usually, it was only to ensure his boyfriend was in a good mood for sex if he had been particularly angry that day. “I’m serious, Rem, we’re not doing that.”

“Sure, sure,” He kept his eyes out the window and they continued in silence, with exception to the music. Johnny B. Goode played next, and oh, did Janus love, Chuck Berry.

“Deep down in Louisiana, close to New Orleans,” He continued to sing along, although it was hushed and quiet since Remus didn’t care much for his singing. Although Janus had basically said if he hated it so much, he could take the bus home but that did not stop him from voicing his distaste with a groan.

“Come on.”

“Would rather discuss something then? Learned something interesting in history-”

“I swear if you go off again, that stuff doesn’t matter, I don’t know why you care.”

“Maybe it’s because I find history interesting,” He said the last word slowly, stressing each syllable. “It doesn’t have to be relevant for me to enjoy it, jeez, you sound like my brother.” Virgil had said the exact same thing to him the other day when he tried to talk about a Greek mythos with him. It was starting to piss Janus off if he was honest.

“Yeah, yeah whatever.” He changed the CD to the Set it Off one and tapped along to Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing as they pulled into the neighborhood. 

When they walked into his home, Remus grinned and plopped himself on the couch.

“Come here,” He patted his lap and Janus smiled before settling on his boyfriend. He had his legs on either side, facing away from him. “Awww, I wanted to see you,” He smirked and kissed his neck which caused him to flinch. There was a moment of tense silence before Remus sighed. “Babe, you know you can always talk to me, right? If somethings going on at home? I know they-”

“No!” Janus turned on his lap to face him. “I-I mean, no one’s hurting me, I just…” He sighed and reached for Remus hand before he pulled it to his cheek. “See, I let you touch my face.” He grinned, believing it some huge accomplishment, especially after remembering the last time Remus tried to touch his face without consent. He went to ruffle his hair or something, but Janus shut his eyes and stiffened. It had been a shock for his boyfriend, considering Janus actually loved cuddles and being touched, so naturally, he assumed the worst; that someone was hurting him for whatever reason. 

But exactly how do you explain that the only time anyone has ever touched your face was to hit you in some fashion. Granted his parents weren’t abusive provided that putting their hands-on Janus was the only way they knew how for the longest time-to calm his outbursts. Whenever he would have a breakdown in crowds or scream when things became too loud. His father used to scream right back as he hit him which helped no one. 

Remus was the first person in his entire life to ever handle his meltdowns somewhat properly. Of course, if there even was a proper way to deal with his idiocy. He was just some stupid teenager who had no handle on himself-

“Stop that, I can see the gears turning in your head, man,” Remus interrupted his thoughts while he kept his hand on Janus’ cheek with a small smile when he saw his boyfriend lean into the touch. “Is this why you don’t want a threesome? Because you’re afraid of someone you don’t know touching you?” If he actually wasn’t a touch starved individual, Janus would have pulled away or made a snarky comment, but in spite of his distaste of the idea, he didn’t feel like fighting him on it. There was no way that Remus would drop it, he would continue to bring it up every time he had the chance.

“Can’t you just…if I agree will you stop asking?” He relented, there was no point in arguing with him. It was just easier to give in; it was always easier to give in. 

“Yes, but it’s for both of us. I wanna have fun with you,” Remus said as if he meant it. Janus scoffed, no he wanted to fuck his friend, no one actually wanted him. They never did. “Stop that, I mean it.”

“Yeah, sure, whatever. We can ask, but if she says no that’s it, no one else, and if she says yes it’s a one-time thing.” Remus nodded quickly and hugged Janus tightly which he fought of course. 

“You’re the best!”

_______

“We told her I was trans and before we could even ask her, she called me disgusting and ran off,” Janus sighed and sipped his now lukewarm tea. Patton went to hug him, but Janus flinched and pushed himself against the edge of the couch.

“Jan?” Patton asked and Logan raised his brow at the repulsion of touch. 

“Fuck, sorry, I’m working on that,” Janus laughed and started playing with his ear as he bit back the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks. His breathing picked up and chest tightened while everything became too much again. 

Logan rose from his seat and pulled his blanket up off the floor before resting it over Janus’ shoulders. It was heavy, heavier than any of the blankets they owned and if he remembered correctly Logan brought this one himself. It wasn’t unpleasant in the slightest, in fact, he held the blanket closer to himself as he felt his heart rate slow slightly. 

“It’s a weighted blanket, you are more than welcomed to keep it. I have plenty.” Logan sat back down, and Janus flashed him a small smile, words dying in his throat as he tried to thank him. 

“Remus sounds like a poopy head that you don’t need,” Patton said and slumped over. “He doesn’t like, hurt you, or anything right?” He winced at his own words as he brought back up how Janus flinched moments ago. Janus shook his head; Remus had never intentionally hurt him. There was no doubt he was an idiot who kept making mistakes, but not abusive. He wanted to say that, but when he tried to speak nothing came out. “Alright! Well, why don’t I make us breakfast?”


	4. An Overwhelming Monday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Janus has a full meltdown while not fully understanding what's happening to him. 
> 
> Remus is somewhat sympathetic in this chapter, but this is still an unhealthy relationship and you'll see why later on. 
> 
> I use the term freakout a lot in the story, only because that's what I used to call my meltdowns before I knew what meltdowns were. I'm writing this from the perspective of someone who doesn't know they're autistic. I'm not trying to be offensive at all.

He had messed up. Janus had screwed himself over big time. 

He wore his only pair of jeans AND he forgot his gloves, so now every single time he walked or moved his hands brushed against the denim. Of course, he knew better, but he thought today would have been ok. Oh, how sorely mistaken he was. Not only that, but his phone had been blown up all weekend to the point he had to turn it on do not disturb. He had been avoiding Remus all day and that included Lunch.

The sun beamed down angrily as he walked to eat in his history class. It heated his leather jacket up into a furnace, but he would have been damned if he lost that safety net too. No way, nothing else stood between his arms and the rough denim. Janus cringed when his unprotected hand brushed against his backpack this time. The rough scratching like nails on a chalkboard. 

The classroom, he only needed to walk in the classroom, then it would be quiet, and he could eat. He almost busted down the door to escape the outdoors, but it wasn’t empty. No, instead Virgil and his friends were there, a couple of strangers and the teacher was eating at his desk.

“Janus!” Patton cheered and walked over to said man in the doorway, “Virgil said you always eat in here, so we wanted to join you.” He grinned at the shocked expression on his face, but it quickly faded. “Hey, is everything ok?”

“You appear quite agitated,” Logan said, standing beside Patton. No, he wasn’t ok, and he wanted to say that, but nothing came out. He hugged his chest and vaguely heard Virgil saying something about him being crazy. He felt crazy, his skin was crawling. All he wanted was silence and his fucking gloves. WHY DID HE FORGET HIS GLOVES?

He turned back to leave without bothering to give an excuse to either of them, not that he would have been able too. To his surprise, the man he had been avoiding all day decided to stroll on in. He slammed the door open which caused Janus to jump and squeal. 

“There you are, you’ve been ignoring my calls,” Remus said, but did not take a step forward as he took in the scene in front of him. Janus was trembling, on the verge of tears, and was currently pulling his hair with enough force to rip out some strands. Actually, now that he noticed his hands. “Hey, babe, it’s ok, remember to breathe in for 4 hold for 7 and out for 8.” He mimicked the breathing in hopes of settling his boyfriend down, but his eyes were glazed over. “I got some nitrile gloves, you still here with me?” He asked, which got him a small nod. 

Remus sighed in slight relief, if he acted now then he could prevent another freakout. He reached into his bag and pulled out a box of gloves that were snatched from his hands. In an instant, Janus slid on the gloves and started crying while making grabby hands at Remus.

“I’ve got you; I’ve got you.” He held him close as tight as he could, allowing the smaller man to sob in his chest. 

“Is he alright, what happened?” Patton started rattling off worried questions, but Remus shot a glare to silence him. Janus needed quiet right now and pressure, that was the only thing that would calm him down. Most of the students either shut up or left as Janus’ cries increased in volume.

“You need to breathe, love, please,” He insisted, picking back the 4 7 8 breathing tactic which Janus actually followed to the best of his ability. “Would the taps help?” Janus nodded and Remus began slowly placing firm full hand taps on his back to keep count. 

“Jeez, you weren’t kidding, he is high strung, the fuck set him off?” Roman asked Virgil who shrugged. Meanwhile, Patton slumped over in his chair, wondering if he had anything to do with upsetting Janus. 

“You ok now?” Remus kissed his head and stopped his tapping when Janus’ cries finally quieted down to mere sniffles. 

“Mm,” Janus grunted before he let Remus go, the paler side of his face a bright red with embarrassment. 

“Gosh, what would you do without me? Can we please talk now?” Janus only grunted again and moved away from him. “Well, fine how about after school? I feel awful-”

“Left me…” 

“What?”

“Left me alone in the car, I needed you,” Janus sniffled again and started playing with his ear, “Left me,” He repeated that phrase a few times. It felt like someone was stabbing him in the heart and gutting him right where he stood.

“I did leave you alone, I shouldn’t have done that, I’m an asshole, I’m the world’s biggest asshole and you have every right to hate me.” Janus shook his head and began to pull his hair again. “No, don’t do that-” 

“Shut up!” Janus screamed and started hitting his head instead, and Remus did the stupid thing and tried to grab his wrist. He shouldn’t have been surprised when Janus resumed his loud crying and pushed him away. It wasn’t strong enough to actually make him lose his balance, but it was enough for Remus to get the point. 

“Alright that is enough.” The teacher stood between them “You calm yourself right now before I call security.” Remus scoffed, but before he could say anything in Janus’ defense, Logan stepped forward.

“It’s clear he’s suffering from some sort of sensory overload at the current moment,” Logan said, placing himself between the teacher and Janus who was now rocking on his heels while sobs wracked his body. “That would only further set him off, he needs to cry and stim.” Janus sat on the floor and continued crying, but at a louder volume while he played with his ear with one hand and tugged his hair with the other. Logan glanced back at Patton, “Hand me my backpack?” He asked and then sat in front of Janus, pulling a ball from the front pocket when Patton handed him his bag. “It’s squishy, it’ll feel nice, I promise,” He prompted Janus and held it out to him. 

Confusion flashed across his face, but Logan insisted until Janus grabbed it with the hand pulling on his hair. Unable to give up the smooth, cool feeling of the glove on his ear, but the ball was nice. It squished in his hand easily unlike a normal stress ball and didn’t grate on his ears or nose. It was quiet finally, but now he could hear how loud he was being. He couldn’t stop crying, but the worst part was he had no idea what had even prompted this. Was he that much of a baby that the sun and his fucking jeans could set him off? He was wasn’t he.

“How are doing?” Patton asked quietly, sitting next to Logan. It would have felt like they were cornering him in, but his voice was so soft. It didn’t hurt. Still, he couldn’t answer even if he wanted to, even if he was finally starting stop crying. 

“What can’t even talk to explain yourself, jeez,” Virgil said after a prolonged silence from his brother. Well, silence being words, he was still sniffling and trying to catch his breath. Patton glared at him and huffed, meanwhile Logan sighed. They hated him now. How could he be so stupid? Janus felt himself start to break into another round of crying.

“You’re alright,” Logan said and then pointed to Janus, tapped his forehead and then did a weird thing with his hands which only received a weird look. “I suppose you don’t know sign, why does that not surprise me.” He had tried to learn it last year, but there wasn’t exactly a point when no else could understand it anyway. 

Wait, Logan could understand! 

Janus removed his hand from his ear and spelled out sorry. Logan smiled slightly and spelled it’s ok. They didn’t exactly have a chance for a full conversation since the school psychologist decided to stroll on in. 

“Janus, buddy, how ya feeling?” Dr. Picani asked, kneeling next to him. Yeah, he was on a first name basis with the fucking school psychologist. How embarrassing and he spelled it out too. “Well then, why don’t we go back to my office and hang out for a bit?” He didn’t want to get up or move, or anything really. He just wanted to curl up on the floor and continue crying, then in about three hours brush himself off and act like none of this had ever happened. “It’s not that far, come on.” Picani stood back up. “Thanks for calming him down, I’ll take it from here.”

“Can I come with, please, I left him once already-” Remus tried to ask, but Picani held his hand up to stop him.

“I’m afraid not, you have class and I need to talk to Janus alone.” That didn’t sound good, not at all. He managed to get up, staring intently at his shitty sneakers that had been entirely worn out. Asking for things he needed had never been his strong suit, easier to wait for others to take it upon themselves. He shuffled his backpack on, grateful to have the gloves as barrier a between him and the scratchy fabric. Before he left though, he signed thank you to Logan. One of the few signs he managed to remember. 

“Wanna color when we get back to my office?” The doctor asked as they walked side by side. Janus shrugged, it would give him something to do, but the smell of the markers or even the pencils felt too much at the moment. God, why did the sun have to be so damn bright? He couldn’t fucking see even if he wanted to look up. 

When they made it to his office, Janus dropped his bag in front of a decent enough chair and sat down, absent-mindedly squeezing the ball in his hand and playing with his ear again. Picani sat on his spinney chair and rolled over to him.

“Wanna talk about what happened?” Janus shook his head at his question. “Well, why don’t you eat your lunch while I take care of something, m’kay?” He nodded and proceeded to pull out a small lunch box from his bag. “I’ll be back.” He got up and left, leaving Janus alone with the silence. He almost cried happy tears until he started eating his sandwich. Even his own chewing got on his nerve. 

“Is Janus autistic or something?” Patton asked Virgil who sighed.

“No, he isn’t, he’s just…has bad anxiety.”

“That was not an anxiety attack, Virgil. What you have is anxiety, that was a meltdown.” Logan stood and slung his bag onto his shoulder. “I do not care for you, Remus.” He turned to face the disheveled senior, who only scrunched his face up in confusion at suddenly being addressed. “But I can see you know him better than his own family, still, unless Janus specifically asks for you, do not come near him.” With that, he shoulder checked him and walked out, Patton following close behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not be using this fic to vent about how my entire family brushed off my clear autistic symptoms (that literally my teachers noticed as early as elementary school) as me just "wanting attention" and "wanting to be special." Yeah, I'm not bitter at all for being confused my entire life. Nope.


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